I thought it would be hard. Perhaps it was, perhaps it was the hardest decision of my life, but in that moment it was easy. I wasn’t nervous, wasn’t scared, wasn’t upset. For what felt like the first time I was happy: at peace.
It was probably painful. I think it was why everything up until that second, when the switch flipped in my brain, hurt so bad. Everything changed after. For that instant when the process was in motion, before everything went to a frigid black abyss, I had never felt better. And I knew it was all worth it. This was worth it.
I think it hurt after. I can’t remember though. It was so quick, so simple and easy, I barely notices, lost in the feeling of freedom. My arm ached from how long it had been up, a clenched, quivering hand resting in the air. That melted away though when I finally steadied myself. I can’t explain the sensations that followed. It had been unimaginably cold. Ice shards spread from my temple, slowly, inch-by-inch, crawling along my body until I was completely overtaken. Next was the flash, brighter and hotter than I thought possible in this world. It’s hellfire burnt the cold away, obliterating it. I had never felt so whole.
I imagine later there was screaming; a sweet symphony my ears would never hear. That was ok though, similar songs now played around me and I was finally able to sing along to them. My pitch a perfect match to their saccharine melody.
My eyes were stuck closed with blood, sweat, and nasty melting things. It didn’t matter though. Nothing would matter ever again. I may not have been able to see but I felt the brilliant light that surrounded me: red and hot and unmatchable.
I didn’t crumble or flee, though I couldn’t if I wanted to, stuck in what should have been an agonizing position, all my limbs folded at weird angles as they were. I smiled, or tried to, my lips, like the rest of me, weren’t quite right anymore.
I couldn’t think after. Couldn’t concentrate or fret or feel anything but that mesmerizing heat. Couldn’t see the bleakness anymore and only heard that beautiful melody my head had always failed to find. It left me in misery before, my skull nearly exploding because what I created on my own only grated my senses. If only I had known how close I had gotten, known to welcome that feeling.
It didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered now. It was worth it. It was all worth it because it was all, finally, blessedly, over.