When we close our eyes and search for something meaningful: when we close our eyes and feel nothing but self-pity, what does it matter? What do these actions help?
Sometimes I look in the mirror without seeing. I see features, I see what I look like to everyone else, but I don’t see me. I do the same when I lay back on my plushy bed or passably comfortable couch at my mother’s office and, instead of doing something productive or helpful or anything at all, I wonder how I got here. I wonder why my life is like this, why I am like this. I come up with thousands of answers, maybe millions, that I will never fully articulate, let alone admit to to anyone else in this world. I don’t even want to admit it to myself. Sadly, there’s only so much your subconscious can hide.
What it all boils down to is what it always boils down to: I give up too easily and instead of trying to go after what I want I laze around doing the opposite; doing nothing at all.
- I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.
- I want to be intelligent and happy and someone people will like.
- I want to be a writer.
- I want to create stories and worlds people can’t even dream of, but have always been missing.
- I want to read a thousand books.
- I want to move people to tears with poetry and prose and make this blog something.
- I want to write a book and a screen play and a bunch of other things.
- I want to get a degree in psychology.
- I want to show the world it doesn’t matter if you want be covered in tattoos or piercings or have crazy hair or your own style, you are still professional, intelligent, and a great contributor in your field.
- I want to show that self-expression is appropriate in all fields.
The list goes on and on. It only ends if I stop thinking about it. Maybe that’s the problem. I never stop thinking about it. All I do, I think all a lot of us do, is think about how we want things to be.
I don’t hold that most people are as destructive with their thoughts and failures as I am. Things hit harder than they should for me a lot of the time, even if it’s my own inactivity towards my dreams that’s the aggressor. This feeling of being lost, unsatisfied, and incomplete, it hits us all though. There comes a point where laying back and looking at the figurative stars in your head becomes more of a punishment, more of a hindrance, a way to wallow, rather than something to strive for.
So why do we do it?
There are so many answers. If I were in a better mood I’d research it seriously. Find a bunch of juicy psychological details and theories for you to look over. I’m not in a better mood though and count it as a victory to be posting anything after months of inactivity. Plus, for the purpose of this piece of writing, the point I am trying to get across here, the theory doesn’t matter. What matters is that we all do, to varying degrees and in different ways. What matters is that wishing and wanting and dreaming and looking at all the things that are wrong only helps if you intend to change them.
So if you are in a place where you can work towards your goals or at least not punish yourself quite so much when you don’t, I encourage you to. I know it isn’t easy. It is a journey I’ve started and stopped many times before. I always seem to fall farther down the hole I was trying to escape than I was before. Though no matter the consequences, when I really try, when I last longer than the last time, I get a little bit further.
I haven’t been in a place to follow my own advice. To be honest I’m still not now. I’m only starting to try and like always we’ll see how long that lasts, so don’t feel like what I’m saying is supposed to put down or change who you are or how you feel. I don’t have all the answers. Everyone is different, but having even one decision, one second in a day that is made to fight for what you want or lessen a blow of doubt, will give you at least one moment where you are ok; where you can maybe be happy.
So don’t always fight with what you want. Don’t always fight for what you want. Instead just start making those small efforts, even if it’s only one thought about being good enough, and see what happens.